I am sitting here taking a little break. I have just concluded one show and I am preparing for the next one end of the week. But right now, I am taking a break, and thinking about how I have evolved, along with my art and my business.
Last year, I left my 'Science job' and I decided to focus on my art and start a business.
I am not someone who transpires confidence. I actually learnt, over the years, that most of the people who do, actually don't, deep down. It is often a façade. But that is not the point.
A few months ago, a mentor asked me to describe the moments when I was working at my 'Science job' that I was the proudest of. And to be honest, I had to search for a long time, before finding some examples.
Pride is not my second name, as we say.
I have always thought I could have done better, even if in retrospect I delivered way more than anyone I know. But in retrospect and in comparison.
I had a lot of bosses, who would never compliment my work. No feedback. To be honest, if I think about it, they never pointed out bad work to me, because there never was. But, they have never pointed it out as good either. I never knew if I was doing good actually, and I probably needed some positive feedback once in a while, to boost my confidence, to feel proud, and fulfilled.
By comparison, I realized now, away from the environment, that I have always done an excellent job. I had (and have) huge expertise in my field, which I know now others were and are lacking, but it was often completely unused. Too bad for them. When I was working at my 'Science job', I could not see it. I see it now, but now then.
This was about my 'Science job'.
Now, when I look at my 'Art job', I am at a stage now, sitting here today. writing these words, that I feel pride. I am here and proud of my artistic work and what I accomplish every day.
Last week, I was exhibiting and I spent 7 days with my paintings.
I don't often spend so much time looking at them. I paint, and I shelf them to dry, then, I photograph, varnish, frame and store, but I don't always spend hours walking from one to another, looking at the details, each brushstroke, and the overall, for hours. And each time seeing something new. Each time, seeing something different... in the clouds, in the waves, in everything...
And I look at them, and I tell myself: "They are good. I am good."
I feel it. I know it. And I am proud :)
I might not be in a big gallery. But I am good.
Some people will like them. Some won't. But I am good.
Some people will fall in love with them every day on their wall. Some will pass without a glance.
But they are really good. I am good.
I am at a stage where I look at my paintings and I am proud. It makes me happy.
Creating them doesn't come easy. I like to challenge myself. There is excitement, joy, peace, and some moments of doubt, when I look at it and I wonder if I made a mistake, often halfway through, and then suddenly, it seems to all come together, and I know it is good.
I have been a perfectionist, and I still am, but painting taught me when to stop, how to stop, to never go too far, to stop and look back, to embrace the imperfection that makes it all perfect, to let go.
I appreciate every moment in the studio. I love it. I am good at it. I know I am.
And today, I can tell you: I am proud of my paintings and I work hard to create imperfect perfect art to transfer the feelings I have when going through these gorgeous landscapes.
This amazes me. I am sitting here and I am smiling. I am happy.
Thank you for reading :)
Clémence
Exercise: One thing you did this week you are proud of?